Gove describes himself using C-word: picks wrong one

Michael Gove has today promised to review his half-arsed approach to his attempts to appear vaguely human, lest his frequent mishaps contribute to the increasingly common public perception of him as an oily, detestable little shit.

Following a series of unfortunate events in 2016, where he inadvertently told a sequence of increasingly outrageous barefaced lies to millions of gullible fucking simpletons, before carelessly launching a pathetically miscalculated and ultimately futile leadership bid, Gove has made another faux pas today when he unwittingly delivered a joke he’d prepared and rehearsed trivialising the experiences of rape victims.

Mr Gove later apologised for his ‘clumsy attempt at humour’, saying,

“This shit could happen to anyone, right? You write a rape joke, rehearse it in the limo on the way over, walk into the studio intending to say it out loud, and before you know it, you’re the guy who jokes about sexual assault. If anyone deserves sympathy here, it’s me.”

One of Gove’s colleagues, who did not wish to be named, called for understanding, adding,

“You might think of Michael as a revolting, unlikeable twat with all the charm of a skip full of medical waste, but by Conservative Party standards, he’s a fairly normal bloke.”

The Labour Party declined to provide a statement as they were too busy checking the historic social media output of their new MPs for similarly unpalatable comments.